We spend so much of our life at work that sometimes it's hard to just suck it up & pretend that it doesn't matter. My job itself is fine, but without saying too much about what I do, it's the people that get to me.
In the meetings that I go to, I'm the only woman with 18 men so I'm naturally an outsider there. Sometimes the line is almost invisible, but it's always there lurking in the background until someone makes a comment or a joke. Then all eyes turn to me to see how I'll react. I suddenly become the un-elected, unwilling representative for women everywhere. If I let it go and smile and laugh sometimes it makes me feel small. Or maybe I do genuinely think it's funny and harmless until the next time or the time after when the comment is too big or too loud or too offensive to let go. And then if I say something I'm the prude, the task master, the one who is all business, the one who is no fun and no one jokes with me anymore. Lately I've become weary and sit by myself in the meetings and talk as little as possible.
The women aren't friendly towards me because as one person said (and I had never thought of until that day) I can be intimating because I'm the one woman at my level. Another woman wanted my job and blames me for the fact that my bosses didn't give it to her. The grudge has been going on for a year & a half and it will never go away. It's hard to work day day after day with someone who I know doesn't like me. The office is very clique-ish and I suspect that many people are not too friendly with me because of either being loyal to their friend or trying not to get in the middle. I respect that choice and sympathize. I wish that I had that same choice. But I don't, so I go to work and do my job and keep my head down.
Most of the time all this doesn't matter to me. I won't let it matter. But sometimes, I get caught with my guard down and it all floods out of me. The anger, the resentment, the isolation... Being stuck in the middle of the men & the women, the company higher ups and the worker bees, lifetime company employees and new hires, let me tell ya, being in the middle sucks ass.
Last Friday all it took was some kind words of commiseration from a coworker in another office who had some empathy for me. She meant well, and to have somebody acknowledge that I'm in a tight spot was incredible touching and the nicest thing she could have said to me. But it let loose a torrent of emotions that had me not fit for public viewing for the rest of the day.
It made me realize that keeping my chin up does take a toll on me and that I have to aknowledge it or it will end up getting the better of me. It also makes me wonder how people do it. How do you manage to deal with it all if you don't have co-workers to vent to? Aside from blogging about it, that is.
ugh! it's so important to have people you can talk to at work! i feel for ya' babe! i'm feeling grumpy about work these days too, but more about the job itself, not the people.
your new sweater looks great, though!! i love the color and shaping!
Posted by: cheryl | August 09, 2005 at 07:43 PM
I SOOO relate to this post. I didn't realize how much of that keeping my head down, sucking it up I was doing until I got another job, and especially now that I'm in my new job, I realize HOW MUCH crap I became accustomed to. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this -- and I would say to look for another job. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but girl ,you spend too much time at work to be that frustrated, even if it's in the back of your mind.
p.s. you can get a job in Athens. :)
Posted by: Carrie | August 09, 2005 at 07:57 PM
I can sympathize as well. I used to work in the office of a lumber yard... talk about male to female ratio! I was the only female out of 45+ men and it sucked. I constantly heard small comments made about me and was very self-concious of what I wore and things I said. It was not fun. Now I am at a better job but still in a male dominated work environment (at an all boys school where 95% of the faculty is male) it is hard but at least I'm much more respectd here. The best thing I did was leave my unhealthy environment, I've never looked back since.
Take care and know that we are all here for you.
Posted by: Kate | August 10, 2005 at 06:06 AM
Hey E - remember that time we hung out in the Dubliner and I made you vent, let out some steam and just collect your thoughts? Next time I'm back we've a date in our favorite watering hole...
Posted by: Jonathan Bruce | August 10, 2005 at 02:19 PM
Monster.com
Posted by: Tom | August 12, 2005 at 10:53 AM
it it "kicking the boss in the balls" time? i did so enjoy that! ;)
seriously, life can be so rough when your job makes you unhappy. it's so odd that they hate you because you're beautiful, fun, crafty *and* intelligent, when that's i like about you so much!
Posted by: akemi | August 17, 2005 at 01:36 PM