Run on Sentences...

a new post....

Due to a friendly request, I am posting a brief update. 

I am alive, but have been obsessed with a big project at work.  On one hand I feel like a grown up and I'm flattered that they trust me so much.  On the other hand, it's really fucking scary that they trust me so much.   

i'm such a dork....

So I'm spending some extra time at the end of the day at work to use the internet and figure that I haven't searched on Match for a while so maybe I'll just see what's out there.   I do a search and I'm amazed that there are a lot of Asian guys.  hmmm... wow, why the sudden influx of Asian men?   This one is cute. Oh no, he's way too into himself.  This ones ok.  How about this one... Wait.  It's not that a lot of the men are Asian. They all are.  Finally it dawns on me, whether through a default or my not paying attention, the only ethnicity clicked on my search was Asian.  D'oh! 

My friends would find this especially funny and probably wouldn't think that this was an accident.  The past few men that I've had flirtations with (dated, made out with, emailed across the country) have been Asian and I've even been accused of having a fetish.  (teasingly of course).  I prefer to claim that I've found a niche market for myself.    Asian boys who like chubby curvy white girls.  Believe me, they are out there.  And if I keep searching match in that way I'm sure to find a few more. 

Family visit 2005

Excuse my absence, my sister & niece were in town for a few days.  In the past we've tried to see every SF attraction in a few short days.  This time was more of a social visit than a sight seeing visit.*  I enjoyed it immensely.   

Here's my sister & my niece running down the beach (and away from my camera) somewhere between Monterrey & San Francisco. 

*The weather was cold & foggy all week (hence the hoods up in the picture) which made staying in a much more appealing option that sight seeing outside. 

buying happiness

Yesterday I received my brand new cookware set.   

Today I received my almost brand new (factory refurbished = in my price range) Kitchen Aid mixer.    I unpacked my mixer and it's sitting on the file cabinet across from my desk.  Scary as it sounds, it actually kind of matches my office's green carpet & green drapes.  I get all smiley whenever I look at it.  I kind of feel like I just had a bridal shower.   Or a single shower.  whatever.   Some people may have job satisfaction.  I have a KitchenAid mixer.  Maybe I'll start using it to bake bribes for my co-workers.   You must like me!  I bake cookies!   

(washed out camera phone action)

work sucks

We spend so much of our life at work that sometimes it's hard to just suck it up & pretend that it doesn't matter.   My job itself is fine, but without saying too much about what I do, it's the people that get to me.   

In the meetings that I go to, I'm the only woman with 18 men so I'm naturally an outsider there.  Sometimes the line is almost invisible, but it's always there lurking in the background until someone makes a comment or a joke.   Then all eyes turn to me to see how I'll react.  I suddenly become the un-elected, unwilling representative for women everywhere.   If I let it go and smile and laugh sometimes it makes me feel small.  Or maybe I do genuinely think it's funny and harmless until the next time or the time after when the comment is too big or too loud or too offensive to let go.  And then if I say something I'm the prude, the task master, the one who is all business, the one who is no fun and no one jokes with me anymore.   Lately I've become weary and sit by myself in the meetings and talk as little as possible.      

The women aren't friendly towards me because as one person said (and I had never thought of until that day) I can be intimating because I'm the one woman at my level.  Another woman wanted my job and blames me for the fact that my bosses didn't give it to her.   The grudge has been going on for a year & a half and it will never go away.    It's hard to work day day after day with someone who I know doesn't like me.  The office is very clique-ish and I suspect that many people are not too friendly with me because of either being loyal to their friend or trying not to get in the middle.  I respect that choice and sympathize.  I wish that I had that same choice.  But I don't, so I go to work and do my job and keep my head down. 

Most of the time all this doesn't matter to me.  I won't let it matter.  But sometimes, I get caught with my guard down and it all floods out of me.  The anger, the resentment, the isolation...  Being stuck in the middle of the men & the women, the company higher ups and the worker bees, lifetime company employees and new hires,  let me tell ya, being in the middle sucks ass.   

Last Friday all it took was some kind words of commiseration from a coworker in another office who had some empathy for me.    She meant well, and to have somebody acknowledge that I'm in a tight spot was incredible touching and the nicest thing she could have said to me.   But it let loose a torrent of emotions that had me not fit for public viewing for the rest of the day. 

It made me realize that keeping my chin up does take a toll on me and that I have to aknowledge it or it will end up getting the better of me.   It also makes me wonder how people do it.   How do you manage to deal with it all if you don't have co-workers to vent to?   Aside from blogging about it, that is. 

Cardi-Jacket

It is done!  I sewed on the last button Tuesday night.  The yarn was too thick to sew on the buttons and when I separated the yarn and tried one strand it broke.  I ended up using orange thread that I mysteriously had in my sewing basket.  Where was that from?   I cannot remember.   I used to remember every project that I bought thread for.  I've now built up my sewing supplies to the point where I can't remember what each thing was for.  *gulp* I am my mother. 

My Vogue Knitting book recommended using another button on the wrong side to hold the buttons in place.  I rummaged through my extra button box and came out with 4 clear buttons, only 2 short.  Instead of using my second choice white buttons I went into my closet, found two pairs of pants that I was thinking of getting rid of anyway and cut off their clear buttons.   

side bar: Should I feel guilty about giving buttonless pants to Goodwill?  Sew on replacement buttons before I donate them?

I used to post headless pictures of myself because I wanted to remain anonymous.  Now it's just because it would take too long to take a picture where both me & the sweater look good.  So I settle for the sweater looking OK, and cut off my head.   

I was worried about the sweater being too tight so I blocked it to within an inch of it's life and left it on the blocking board for at least a month while I knit baby sweaters.  Now it seems a little loose.  I may go back and re-block it smaller.   

I know that knitting is about the process and not always the outcome, but I am a perfectionist and I really wanted this to be fit better.   I think the body is too lose and the sleeves are too big for the body.  Would I buy this sweater as is from a store?  probably not.*  But more so than some of the other things I've knit.  At least I'm headed in the right direction. 

Pattern:  Cardi-Jacket from The Urban Knitter by Lily Chin.  The actually pattern is by Sarah Poriss.  I shortened it so it wouldn't be so long on me.   I know there are some people who don't like Lily's patterns.  I didn't have trouble with the pattern itself, but wished that the picture in the book showed the sweater on an actual person so I could see how they meant the sweater to fit before I changed it.   

Yarn:  Elann Peruvian Highland Wool.  I think color is Burnt Orange.  The second picture is more true to the color. 

*actually i would buy it if the price was right.  I may be a bit of a perfectionist but my 'I can't pass up a deal' side is much, much larger.  If something is on sale I can not help myself. 

Pistachio

I have long been coveting Kitchen Aid mixers.  I associated having one with being grown up and settled.  Despite feeling neither of these things I bought one yesterday.  I used to say that I'd buy one when I stopped moving so much.   Screw it.  I'll move it with the rest of my stuff when the time comes.  A girl's love for her mixer can mean a lot of different things.   Sarah Hatter wrote about her feelings here.   Unlike Sarah I always imagined getting married.  But like her, I know exactly what it feels like to know that if I want the matching nesting bowls I have to buy them for myself.  No one else is going to do it.  I think that what this purchase means to me, is that my life is as settled as it's going to get.  And that I'm finally starting to admit that to myself.  Last week I ordered a new set of pots & pans (I finally cashed in an incentive I earned that I had left over from my days in sales).   And now this mixer.   The term is nesting and I cannot help myself.  My little ebay baby will be here in the next few weeks and I cannot wait.  I even called my mom to tell her the good news.  She was not nearly as excited as I was.   

The hardest decision was the color.   I didn't trust the colors on my monitor so after work I skipped the gym (it doesn't take much)  to go to Macy's and see them live & in person.  Macy's only had white, but the 2nd BB&B that I went to had them.  I called my sister and she talked me through it.  She knows me so well and knows that i just have to be told what to do.  Our conversation went something like this. 

me: I'm trying to decide between the pistachio & the majestic yellow

sister: Yellow. Go with the yellow.

m:  but the pistachio is nice and retro looking

s:  then go with the pistachio

m:   i have been coveting that one for a while

s:  then get it

m:  the yellow is nice & sunny

s: Get the pistachio

m: Is it too muted?  not fun enough?

s: Get the pistachio

m:  The pistachio is nice

s:  GET THE PISTACHIO!

m:  OKAY!  I'M GETTING THE PISTACHIO!

s:  DO  IT!

*click*

So if you are an indecisive wreck like me or ever need help jumping out of an airplane my sister is the one to help you do it. 

missing the harlot

What was the store thinking when they scheduled Yarn Harlot's book reading for 5pm?  There is no way that I can get over the bridge in time.  Especially when I forgot about it until that day and I couldn't get out of work early.  oops.

socks

I finished my crazy socks on Friday night.  I'll put the knitting details in my crafty gallery.  They're nice and not itchy and I'm starting to wear them as slippers when I get home at night. 

Another foot shot, if only because it amuses my sister that I post pictures of my feet, here are my feet at Blogher.

This picture was taken right after I registered and was trying to make my way to my first cup of coffee for the day.  I was overwhelmed.  Had she asked for a picture of me I would've said no. But my feet?  Eh, sure.  The entire Blogher shoes photo set is here.

computer envy

I came away from Blogher with a raging case of laptop envy.   I saw so many different laptops, tiny little cute travel sizes, sleep white apples and every variant under the sun.   In one session, I practically drooled over my neighbor's tiny laptop.  I have a calculator roughly the same size. I finally admitted to myself that I can no longer live without the interenet at home.   And while I don't really have that much use for a laptop, there are just so damn cute.  Does anyone have any recommendations for my splurge?