And by technical difficulties, I mean depression. Any worries that I had about being melodramatic or wasting the Doctors’ time were put to rest when I found out that my score on the depression questionnaire was 21 and you only have to have a 13/14 to be diagnosed as depressed. (ever the over achiever, I was proud that I was over qualified to be there) That’s when I realized that, hey, maybe this isn’t just a really long bad mood. The psychosomatic effects of the drugs are waring off, but the real stuff has yet to kick in so I’m in an in between stage.
On Thanksgiving I awoke in a good mood and sang my way through my appetizer prep. Today it took all my energy to go to work instead of laying curled up on the floor. Actually, that is what surprised & scared me most about my state of being in the past few months…. I’m a emotional person to begin with and think that a good cry every once in a while is normal. So the crying wasn’t such an indicator at first. I mean, yeah, when I’m out at a bar and started to cry it was a hint. But the biggest sign to me was the complete lack of emotion at times. The complete lack of will. I didn’t care about anything and even the smallest things like getting up and going to the bathroom had to be thought about and geared up for. And then I would cry because I knew such things shouldn’t be so hard. And I was jealous of everyone who could do them so easily. And then, cried out I would go back to being will-less.
I’m better now. And hopefully the drugs will kick in soon and I’ll be much better. I’m hoping that the sleepiness will wear off and that I’m just being paranoid about it triggering my latest psoriasis outbreak and that someday I’ll figure out exactly what is my version of being normal.