singleton

Sometimes I fell like life is a struggle. It’s a battle just to keep going. Everything that shouldn’t be hard is. getting dressed. taking a shower. breathing. The weight on my chest is immense and deep and I have to remind myself to breathe. Sometimes I know if I breathe I’ll cry so I try not to do either. And I fail. I thought I had left this deep dark time for a while. But it popped up again this weekend. Thankfully for only a day and I’m better now but since I’ve started this blog I realize how therapeutic writing can be for me so I’m putting some of it down here. Read or not, it’s more for me than anyone else. If you want some really good writing that made me pause and say wow read this. For my self examinations, keep reading.
I promise something lighter tomorrow.

I saw the ex-boy at a party and was very hurt by his casual attitude and his desire to put as much space between us as possible. And the more he ran away from me, the more I wanted to talk to him. I know it’s over and I don’t want to start back in, but I wanted to talk to him. When my roommate and good friend moved out of state I leaned on the boy even more. And when we broke up I was lost. I felt that I had not only lost him but lost my good friend all over again. I was an emotional wreck and needed friendship but I was unable to reach out to my friends. Ironic isn’t it? A few good friends reached out to me and made sure I was alive and kept me active but I wasn’t able to reach back to them. I had made a rookie mistake, spending all my time with the boy and ignoring and distancing myself from my friends and then when he was gone I felt embarrassed that I had ignored people and was unable to reach out to them. Even though we had broken up we tried to be friends. We emailed. We even met for dinner once. He saw how sad & lost I was and said that he understood, that I should call him if I ever needed to talk or wanted someone to hang out with and we parted with a hug. So when a couple emails went unanswered, I was a surprised but didn’t take it to heart. I just figured he was busy. But when this man who had been so supportive just a short time ago was so cold to me at the party it really hurt. I’m sure being intoxicated didn’t help either.

Seeing him and feeling he ignored me made me feel so very much alone. I know that I have friends & family that care for me, but just knowing that I could reach out to him was such a relief for a while. Maybe he wouldn’t have been there but the mental security I got from feeling that way was comforting. Without that comfort I felt that something had been pulled out from under me. In reality it probably hadn’t been there for a while, but I just realized it and it forced me to face this loneliness that had been hanging over me.

The loneliness isn’t the boy’s fault; it’s a frequent ghost that haunts me. I had accepted my loneliness for so long by telling myself that I just wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. That my moods and idiosyncrasies are so off from the norm that I shouldn’t expect that in life. If it happened great, but I didn’t daydream about it like I once did. I no longer thought that marriage was a given. So this latest relationship, while short, was a big departure for me. I started to imagine a different life. A different future. I was amazed at how much we had in common. I had thought I was so weird that I would never find another person to care for me in that way. And even more shocking to me was how easily I slid into it and began craving the companionship. I enjoyed the reprieve the relationship gave me from the single jokes, from the joking questions from coupled friends asking why don’t I settle down, from the woman at the work party telling me to make sure I sit at the table with an odd number since I don’t have a date…. I had been single so long that I thoroughly enjoyed being part of a couple. Now that I’m single again I’m wondering how to be single again. Should I go back to the theory of expect the worst and you’ll be surprised if it doesn’t happen? I’m trying to be single without putting up the walls, but it’s hard.

Comments

[Carrie]

hey, I'm so sorry he was an ass. It's so hard when relationships end. Try to focus on doing things that make you happy as much as you can...I know that's cliched. Obviously he's not mature enough to have a friendship after the relationship doesn't work out.

We're here for you...I would take you out for drinks if I wasn't in Georgia!

[pinky]

I always found it shocking and somewhat unforgiveable, the way men seem to turn it off just like that. I have been where you are before, and I have no advice. Just keep on keepin on, and you'll find a much better boy. Or he'll find you.

Hey,
I am sorry you are feeling so low.
I don't know, but my guess is, he could be being callous because he just doesn't know how to be there for you. I don't think he is really trying to be an ass or hurt you. Just doesn't know what to say, or feels responsible.
If you need to talk or just get a drink and NOT talk about it, feel free to give me a call. I'm just up the street.

[Meredith]

DAmmit

I swear i had my name in the above comment

[Julie]

Singleness impacts a lot of us! I used to be very attractive, some say I'm still cute...but I've been single for as long as I can remember. It shouldn't be about looks - I am a pretty nice person too! You can say I've given up. I'm becoming weirder and weirder too, as an added benefit. I'm also having a harder time making friends than I did before. I feel exactly like you do.

Oh, the joys of life.